I took part in "No Nut November" last month - one month of semen retention to disrupt compulsive ejaculation from pornography, fantasy or partnered connection 🕊
The time was right - I was growing increasingly frustrated with the chasing and misplacing of creative potential and was already happily clean from pornography.
October was spent looking inwards, researching outwards and inhabiting myself in dance more frequently and all this helped me understand that my body deserved more than addictive expression.
This flesh - it's our only home - and I would start taking my generative power seriously.
(But how easy for an addict to say all this, right? 😅)
November sobriety wouldnt be my first rodeo. I've attempted (and held) countless periods of abstinence in different forms and durations over these last four years.
You see, I used to be so ashamed of admitting I struggled with sexual compulsion - and I'm not alone with this fear.
It can feel impossible to talk openly about these kinds of addictions without anonymity.
The majority of men (and women) hold significant amounts of shame around their sexual habits while secretly longing for acknowledgement and acceptance.
It brings hope seeing so many individuals on their healing journeys... but that doesn't mean our wounds won't itch as they heal over 🙄
I kept clean for November.
I focused my attention elsewhere and enjoyed that familiar non-ordinary, non-ejaculatory elevation into more creative, joyful and viscerally vibrant states.
Then followed conscious release with my partner and the intention of holding myself to a monthly retention cycle...
... that first cycle lasted two days... and then one... and then half a day.
Four years of work, and the cliff edge of compulsion remained as dangerously close as the moment I realised my addiction.
I'm starting to understand that my highest sobriety will never be attached to external consumptions - I haven't drank in ten months, for example - but when it comes to the escape rope that's always there, right there in easy reach, well I have a long journey ahead.
Recovery, as always, remains a lifelong process ❤️